Let me tell you how fun it is to completely change the aim and purpose of your research project - like, full on experiment, data analysis, and research manuscript writing - because you originally planned it poorly, and found out you really didn’t have a properly manipulated independent variable. And this is after you already presented your experiment and gathered the data.
Here’s a hint: it is NOT fun. Luckily, I had something easy enough to work with and manipulate. It was like I knew where I was going in the beginning, but I did not follow through well enough. Everything is fixed now… I just need to finish my physical paper. It really isn’t that bad, save the fact that I’ve left it until today, and it’s due by e-mail by 5:00 PM on Friday.
I wouldn’t have been able to do it until Monday anyway. But I still didn’t work on it until tonight. And I still have a ways to go. The hardest part is the introduction, and including 4 other research journals in it. The research and understanding is what takes me the longest, especially with a probable case of ADD and at this point, my mind has checked out for the summer. This is my last thing to do for the semester to be officially over with.
It also sucks that when I sat down to work on it at 9:00 PM, my focus was all over the place and anywhere but my paper. It took me an hour and a half to get through a 6 page research journal and to actually understand what it was saying. And then two hours ago my hyperfocus finally set it. COME ON, LIFE. Cut me a break. Now I’m just so tired that I’m just going to go to bed in a bit and get up a little earlier than normal so I can work on it before I go to work. And THEN I’m going to be up late.
Sigh. Research Methods being over and done was not going to make it easy on me, huh? I can’t wait until I turn this in.
In other news, this week we’ve also been working on invitations. They are done now, they just need to be sealed and sent, and they are going in the mail on Friday before Matt goes to work. Ironically enough, THAT project is what has been keeping me sane this past week. And it’s taking everything I have to NOT keep working on wedding stuff instead of this paper. That is my fun now. There is still so much to do, and looking at my timeline of the next two months and what does need to be done, and everything going on in between (cousin’s grad party, cousin’s birthday, bridal shower, dinner party with Matt’s coworkers, and so much other crap), I’m freaked out. But in a good way.
I also finally sat down with a counselor at my school’s health center. We didn’t go over much other than her getting an idea of how things have been, and getting to know me a little bit in general. I really liked her though, and I actually kind of look forward to meeting with her more. I always say, most people need a good therapist regardless of any problems. And I sure as hell know I need one. So if I keep up visits with her, that will be cool.
She also scheduled me an appointment with their psychiatrist for June 2nd. Meeting with him hopefully means a diagnosis if I have ADD, or something else, even if it is just anxiety. I’m not all there right now and I know that so this is good. From there, we’ll be able to figure out what to do and what will work for helping me out. I’m so glad the health center is somewhat open in the summer, I was afraid that since I put off my visit with the counselor until finals week that I’d have to wait until fall to be diagnosed. And I want to be able to approach next semester with a much clearer head. Whether it means medication or not.
Honestly, I think I do alright without medication. Other than being kind of socially awkward and real shitty at speaking sometimes. But the school part is where that suffers, so I would probably hope for medication for school at least. Otherwise I don’t mind it much. Aside from the messy apartment, heh. Since I didn’t walk in there talking about that upfront and as a focus, it will be easier to figure out what’s best I think. As my counselor said, people really like medication. I’m sure they get people freaking out over finals in all the time wondering about ADD/ADHD meds. Fuck that. I just want it to function and not fuck up if that’s the case. I’ve got a pretty solid record of fuck ups so it’s not like I’m just messing about, thank you very much.
From the psychiatrist appointment and whatever diagnoses I get or don’t get, I can keep on seeing the counselor, and I can also talk to the disability services center about accommodations for things like exams and notes in class. THAT sounds mighty fine if you ask me.
I did have one class this past semester where the professor did not use a power point or any aid like that for his lecture. He wrote words on the chalk board here and there - just key words, but not much at all past that. Let me tell you, for one thing, I didn’t know teachers still did that. Two, FUCK that shit is hard for me to get down and actually process and put down in order on a piece of paper without getting fucked up. I think that was a real turning point in realizing I may have a problem. I feel like taking notes in class shouldn’t be that hard to freakin’ do.
Sigh. This is what happens when I don’t write in a while and things pile up in the same week. I go bananas and write an essay on Tumblr about my life instead of in Microsoft Word for my Research Methods class.
WHAT IS LIFE.
